dr.phil's advices!!

Seven Steps to Reaching Your Goals


Successfully executing any personal strategic plan for change requires that as you develop your plan, you effectively incorporate these seven steps for attaining each and every goal.

1. Express your goal in terms of specific events or behaviors.


For a dream to become a goal, it has to be specifically defined in terms of operations, meaning what will be done. When a goal is broken down into steps, it can be managed and pursued much more directly. "Being happy," for example, is neither an event nor a behavior. When you set out to identify a goal, define what you want in clear and specific terms.

2. Express your goal in terms that can be measured.


How else will you be able to determine your level of progress, or even know when you have successfully arrived where you wanted to be? For instance, how much money do you aspire to make?

3. Assign a timeline to your goal.


Once you have determined precisely what it is you want, you must decide on a timeframe for having it. The deadline you've created fosters a sense of urgency or purpose, which in turn will serve as an important motivator, and prevent inertia or procrastination.

4. Choose a goal you can control.


Unlike dreams, which allow you to fantasize about events over which you have no control, goals have to do with aspects of your existence that you control and can therefore manipulate. In identifying your goal, strive for what you can create, not for what you can't.

5. Plan and program a strategy that will get you to your goal.



Pursuing a goal seriously requires that you realistically assess the obstacles and resources involved, and that you create a strategy for navigating that reality. Willpower is unreliable, fickle fuel because it is based on your emotions. Your environment, your schedule and your accountability must be programmed in such a way that all three support you — long after an emotional high is gone. Life is full of temptations and opportunities to fail. Those temptations and opportunities compete with your more constructive and task-oriented behavior. Without programming, you will find it much harder to stay the course.

6. Define your goal in terms of steps.


Major life changes don't just happen; they happen one step at a time. Steady progress, through well-chosen, realistic, interval steps, produces results in the end. Know what those steps are before you set out.

7. Create accountability for your progress toward your goal.



Without accountability, people are apt to con themselves. If you know precisely what you want, when you want it — and there are real consequences for not doing the assigned work — you are much more likely to continue in your pursuit of your goal. Find someone in your circle of family or friends to whom you can be accountable. Make periodic reports on your progress.

What Is Your Life Script?


How fixed beliefs define our roles:


Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragic character or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?

Why scripts are dangerous:


Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to turn out. Fixed beliefs also influence the casting, location and wardrobe of our script. Who is "right" for the part in our script and who isn't? What type of living arrangement and attire are appropriate for the character we are playing, etc.?

When life scripts become limiting:


Because our scripts are based on fixed beliefs, we tend to resist any challenges or changes to them. If we suddenly feel happy and fulfilled, but our script says that we should feel sad and hopeless, we tend to panic because we've gone "off script." It just doesn't feel right and besides, the happy role belongs to someone else, doesn't it? This is an example of why most fixed beliefs are also limiting beliefs. They limit our scripts by dictating what we can't do, don't deserve and aren't qualified for.

Discover Your Life Chain


Just think about where you were born, what family you were born into, and who you grew up around. You simply became part of a long chain -- its links consisting of your parents, your grandparents and your siblings. Consider the momentum that this chain created -- the messages and expectations that passed from one link to the next, through generations. That chain sealed much of the fate that was to be yours. You did not have the slightest choice about the links in your life chain, but you do have a choice in what you do now!

Example: You grew up with a mother and father who believed that they, and therefore you and the rest of your family, were all second-class citizens who should keep their heads down and not make waves. You probably learned to just be glad that you were even permitted into this world.

Statistics indicate that most people are tremendously confined by the life circumstance that they inherit, totally ignoring whether this is a life they would have chosen. You don't have to mindlessly go along with this life chain you have both inherited and passively contributed to. You can begin to shape its links, actively and consciously.

Answer the questions below. Write out and save your work -- you may want to review it as the Self Matters process continues.

1. Where were you born?

2. Where do you live now?

3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living?

4. What do you do for a living?

5. What were your parents' beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Their place in the world?

6. What are your beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Your place in the world?

7. What is your life chain?

Take Responsibility for Your Life



· Define your payoffs, then cut them out.

You're getting something from your behavior, or else you wouldn't do it. Work on gaining confidence—low self-esteem and pent up guilt gives you an excuse to sit on the sidelines. It gives you an excuse to be less than you can be.

· Behave your way to success.

Your past easily becomes your future because what you fear, you create. If you feel deprived of some experience, or emotion from some one else, give yourself emotional closure. Give yourself what you didn't get from someone else now. Create what you want out of life. If you want to be loved, be loveable. If you want to get your family interested in your life, get interested in their lives.

· You choose your behavior; you chose the consequences.

You are an adult now and you need to take responsibility for your actions. You can't blame your family anymore. You are old enough to do something about your feelings. Your family can't take this on. The greatest stress in life is to hold someone else accountable for something they can't control. The only person you control is you.

· It all comes back to the life law statement, "You've got to name it before you can claim it."

If you are stuck in an unsatisfying life, ask yourself what would make you happy? Write out what you need to hear from your family that you've never heard before. Be very specific. Give your list to your family. Ask them to read it, consider it and respond. Open your heart, put the spirit of criticism aside. Be ready to do the same for your family.

happy birthday to you!!!!!!!!!!

The Five Factors for a Phenomenal Family




Starting right now, you can begin to make choices and take day-to-day actions that will create nothing short of a phenomenal family. You can choose to have one if you just resolve to do it and know where to put your focus. That's where the Five Factors for a Phenomenal Family come in. These factors aren't inherited, but they're not particularly difficult to implement. Creating these factors in your family begins with you. You must start by believing in yourself and your family's right to be phenomenal.

Dr. Phil devotes an entire chapter of Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family to his Five Factors for creating a family where every member is a star in their own right. This involves having a new mindset, a new philosophy and personal truth as well as a plan of action. So start now with the attitude that you are going to re-parent your family. Resolve to get your mind right and your behavior on track. Here's a brief look at the Five Factors:

Factor 1: Create a Nurturing and Accepting Family System.

The number one need in all people is the need for acceptance, the need to experience a sense of belonging to something and someone. The need for acceptance is more powerful in your family than anywhere else. The following to-do list can help you bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action in your family:

• Put your family on Project Status.
  This means you must consciously decide to actively and purposely work on improving your family situation every day. You may need to do such things as:
  
  - Reschedule business activities to make time for your kids.
  - Help your children set and achieve goals.
  - Set aside an hour a day for the family, every day.
  
• Bring out the authenticity of every family member.
  Each child in your family came into this world with a core set of unique skills, abilities, interests and talents — all of which make up their genuine identity, their "authentic self." Authentic children have a sense of hope, a feeling that today is as fun and exciting as yesterday and that tomorrow will be as fun and exciting as today. The following suggestions will help you get started on ways to discover and bring to the surface the authenticity and hidden talents and interests of each of your children.
  
  - Respect and encourage your child's uniqueness.
  - Catch your children doing something right.
  - Look for the best intentions in your children.
  
• Create a sense of security and peace in your home.
  Your children look to you and your spouse as a solid and safe base of operations. Yet when they're subjected to a conflict-ridden home, their base is shaken to the core. Here are some actions that will ensure that your family becomes and remains a secure stable base for your children and not a war zone.
  
  - Take arguments private and keep them private.
  - Stop being a "right-fighter."
  - Eliminate patterns of verbal abuse.
  - Deal forthrightly with destructive behavior.
  

Factor 2: Promote Rhythm in Your Family Life.

Children need rhythm in their lives, and it is unsettling to them when they don't have it. This factor is critical to the well being of your family, and here are some steps to help promote that rhythm.

• Create a predictable pace of family life.
  It can be difficult to schedule the events of the day or the week, but your family does need a pace — a rate of progress throughout the day built around key activities, such as:
  
  - Specific times when meals are served.
  - Regular bedtimes.
  - A specific list of chores.
  
• Be accountable for your choices.
  The choices you make are 100 percent your responsibility, and they affect your interactions with everyone else in your family. Acknowledging your accountability means that you should be willing to ask yourself questions like the following:
  
  - Are there certain behaviors or bad habits I need to stop?
  - Do I spend more money than I can afford?
  - Have I, in any way, treated my children unfairly?
  - Do I choose to put work over the priority of my family?
  

Factor 3: Establish Meaningful Rituals and Traditions.

Your family may celebrate rite-of-passage rituals such as baptism or bar mitzvahs, or bedtime rituals of a bath followed by story time. Here are some ways to establish rituals and traditions in your own family:

• Plan purposeful celebrations.
  Birthdays, Father's Day, Mother's Day, and other events are all opportunities to create a tradition or even a ritual.
  
  - During the holidays, create traditions such as baking certain foods.
  - Play the same music at birthday parties.
  - Make sure your children either buy or make their own gifts.
  
• Hold naming rituals.
  Naming a baby blesses that child and welcomes him or her into a family and community. Renaming rituals allow the individual to connect with and express what is at the heart of who he or she is.
  
• Tell family stories.
  Build into family get-togethers special times for retelling these stories, complete with slides pictures and mementos. Bring out picture albums or old films to enhance the storytelling experience.
  
• Worship together.
  For many families, attending a worship service is a major family ritual. Family participation in worship is an excellent way to enact a family's faith through rituals and lay a spiritual foundation for children.
  

Factor 4: Be Active in Your Communication.

The greatest things you can give your children are your ears and your voice. Meaningful dialogue takes into account each family member's need for acceptance, self-respect, encouragement and security.

• Change the backdrop in which communication occurs.
  You'll find that your children are much more comfortable, more receptive and tend to open up in "safe" environments, rather than if you "sit them down" in a chair or at the table to talk. Here are several strategies for encouraging active communication"
  
  - Make time to talk in the car.
  - Have discussions during game time.
  - Listen to CDs with your children and share your thoughts.
  
• Discuss sensitive subjects such as politics or religion.
  These discussions are for the sole purpose of teaching children how to express their opinions and learn how to communicate. Providing a forum for your child's self-expression is one of the ways you can bolster their self-confidence and enhance their communication skills.
  
• Do some "quilting."
  This is a term used to describe family interactions involving a common activity. The object of "quilting" is to begin a group project together, such as:
  - Painting a room.
  - Cleaning the house.
  - Washing the car.
  - Building a playhouse or treehouse.
  - Tending a garden.
  

Factor 5: Learn How to Manage Crisis.

When it comes to family life, it's not a question of whether or not a crisis will hit — it's a matter of when. No matter how smoothly your life goes, no matter how well you parent with a purpose, you'll encounter some crisis, and it will impact your life together as a family. Maybe you discover that your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Or your family must adjust to life with a chronically ill child or parent. Your best chance to navigate the rough waters of a crisis is to have a consciously designed crisis management plan in place for overcoming the tough stuff — before it hits. Your plan might include any of the following.

• Be prepared before a crisis strikes.
  The crucial thing about crisis is preparation. Keep in mind certain Hot Warning Signs that can serve as clues that a crisis is brewing.
  
• Remove danger.
  This may mean calling the police yourself, confiscating dangerous items, keeping your child from having contact with certain people or removing him or her from a dangerous place — physically or emotionally.
  
• Work the problem, not the person.
  Never attack or blame the family member in crisis When you're upset with a child, it can be terribly tempting to blame and criticize them. But when you do this, that child learns to "cover his tracks" the next time he or she gets in trouble. Aim your energies at solving the problem instead.
  
• Close ranks.
  When a crisis hits, family members tend to turn on one another, blaming or ripping into someone with personal attacks. You must resolve that your relationships will exist on a level above blame and personal attacks. If family members are unable to turn to one another, a crisis will shatter family unity.
  
• Find meaning in your suffering.
  Don't allow yourself to be devastated for no reason, no meaning and no purpose. You've got to create some value to the pain that you experience in life. Should some injury or tragedy befall one of your children, you may learn from the event, and thereby protect him or her and your other children more effectively in the future. You may choose to take some social action to create meaning out of suffering.
  

Making Family Resolutions


In this day and age, it's easy to get overscheduled, stressed out and disorganized. Make this year the year you make your family a priority — to spend more time together, live in less chaos or even just have more fun.


Take inventory and prioritize.


If you want to turn chaos into harmony and rhythm in your household, you have to be willing to challenge everything. Nothing is sacred. You may have to change your lifestyle, rearrange your schedule or drop some of your commitments in order to fully benefit your family. Are your children involved in too many activities? Are you so busy you never have time alone with your spouse? Ask yourself what's really important to you and your family.

Recognize what you're doing to contribute to the problem.


You may be very loving and well-intended, but you could be making critical mistakes. Are you a control freak? Never say no even when you're overscheduled? Have no time to sit and enjoy your children? Think about what changes could start with you.

Learn to delegate.


Oftentimes, mothers take it all on themselves when their children are old enough to lend a helping hand. You can't do everything. It's admirable, but not realistic. Divide up the labor and responsibilities so you're not so worn out all the time. Give your kids specific tasks that they can each be responsible for. Your kids will appreciate it. It'll make them feel helpful and you'll have more to give them in return.



Eat meals together.


Spending time together is vital. If everyone has a different schedule and you don't even gather together for a family meal, you are missing an important part of a cohesive family. Make a commitment to sit down for a family meal every evening. Everyone needs to get around the dinner table and talk about the day. Turn the TV off, take the phone off the hook and turn the chaos down. You can enjoy this time together, laughing and talking.

Create family rituals.


Plan something fun for everyone to look forward to. Pick one night a week for game night. It's the time to destress, decompress, relax and have fun together without the TV on or the phone ringing. Do your children like to bake? Bake someting new every week. Find special things to do every holiday or birthday. Your kids may roll their eyes, but their ears still work and they'll be grateful for the time together.

Schedule family meetings.


Taking just a short amount of time to gather and calmly talk about the week, what's coming, what's expected, and to ask questions can really bond a family. It's also a good time to organize the schedule, work out family problems and allow everyone to be heard.

Make each child feel special.


Make a commitment to have "dates" with each of your kids. Find one thing you can do that's unique to each child that you don't do with the other kids. Know that you are very important to your children. The time you spend with them is vital to who they become as adults.

Nurture your relationship with your spouse.


One of the most important things you can do for your children is to take care of their mom and dad. Don't stop being friends and lovers because you've become parents. Schedule in date night for just the two of you. Remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Formula for Success



The winners in life know the rules of the game and have a plan. Whether you're looking to heal a relationship, get a new job, lose weight or find inner peace, consider these characteristics which Dr. Phil says are common to people who succeed.

Have a vision.Champions get what they want because they know what they want. They have a vision that keeps them motivated and efficiently on track. They see it, feel it, and experience it in their minds and hearts. What is success for you? You won't get there without knowing what it feels and looks like.

Make a strategy.People who consistently win have a clear and thoughtful strategy. They know what they need to do and when they need to do it. They write it down so they stay on course, and avoid any alternative that does not get them closer to the finish line.

Find a passion.Are you excited to get up in the morning? People with a passion are, and they're energized about what they are doing. You need to live and breathe what it is that you want, and be passionately invested in both the journey and the goal.

Live the truth.People who consistently win have no room in their lives for denial, fantasy or fiction. They are self-critical rather than self-deluding, and they hold themselves to high but realistic standards. They deal with the truth, since they recognize that nothing else will make their vision obtainable.

Be flexible.Life is not a success-only journey. Even the best-laid plans sometimes must be altered and changed. Be open to input and consider any potentially viable alternative. Be willing to be wrong and be willing to start over.

Take risks.People who consistently win are willing to get out of their comfort zone and try new things. Be willing to plunge into the unknown if necessary, and leave behind the safe, unchallenging, and familiar existence in order to have more.

Create a strong nucleus.Surround yourself with a group of people who want you to succeed. They will move with you toward your goal. Choose and bond with people who have skills, talents and abilities that you do not. Winners give and receive by being part of other people's nuclear groups.

Take action.Do it! People who succeed don't just sit and think about what they want to do. They take meaningful, purposeful, directional action consistently and persistently. Every step they take puts them toward the outcome they're looking for.

Set priorities.People who are consistent winners manage their challenges in hierarchical fashion. They commit to managing their time in such a way that does not allow them to spend time grinding along on priority number two or three if priority number one needs their attention.

Take care of yourself.
People who consistently win are consciously committed to self-management. They are the most important resource they have in achieving their goals. They actively manage their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.

A Self-Esteem Quiz


Improving your self-esteem is a lot of work. Start by asking yourself these questions.

1. Is your self-esteem based on what others think of you?

2. Do you do things to make other people happy, even if it makes you feel bad?

3. Do you have a hard time being happy for others when they succeed?

4. Do you call yourself names like "stupid" or "dummy" when you make mistakes — or sometimes even when you don't?

5. Do you have a hard time taking risks?



Scoring:


If you answered yes to any of these questions, your self-concept or self-esteem may be distorted. If you answered yes to three or more, then you are not living authentically.

Thank you soooo much Ahmed, it' s really kind of you


so gyes , what do u think of the advices of dr.phil?
By the way he is my favourat programme , he is wondeful , isn't he?!

well dr fill is great and i like his show
and also oprah
anyway thank you so much for the posts!!

Hi Rahma I'm fine thanx
well , let's be honest for a while! I absolutely agree with u that we , arab, find a difficulty in making all this advices real , but we r not the only , they , the amrican , also find a difficulty too! because they seem very ideal and perfect , u see!
I mean we r all trying to practice those things as we can of course!
and we , arabs , should be very attention in our choice, I mean what is appropriate to our musilman culture, and I don't think that making plans in our life and make our family enter relashionship, as good as possible , in verse with our musilman culture!
I think that we should make the dialogue with the other cultures, but with being careful of our identity and own culture , but there is no problem if we try to change to the better and be more close to the perfect picture!
and dr. Phil , in the end of the day , is a psychologist , so u see Rahma , we need his advices very badly , espacially me
I'm just joking
So u see Rahma , he is not that bad, we need just to choose waht is appropriate advices , that's all !
I think so , this is my opinion, but we r waiting 4 the other members to give theirs !!!
thank u Rahmouta! my sister