Supernanny 's advices!!

by **laflouf86** Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:28 am

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Supernanny 's advices!!

by laflouf86 Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:28 am

Ain't Misbehavin'

It's easy to pick up on bad behaviour, especially if there's a lot of it, and miss the good. Bad idea! It's a basic law of psychology that rewarding behaviour encourages more of the same. And as far as kids are concerned even a negative reward like a ticking off is still attention. So if you want your children to behave well, reward what they are doing right and try to turn a blind eye as much as possible to what they are doing wrong.

That's not to say you should totally ignore bad behaviour (you'll find some ideas on how to deal with it below), just don't reinforce it by trying to pacify or cajole them or pandering to their wishes.

Praise

Praise – aka positive feedback – works 100% better than criticism or carping if you want kids to co-operate. Get into the habit of praising your child throughout the day by showing interest, approval or enthusiasm, for all the things they do well.

But be careful not to go overboard. Overenthusiastic praise can be counterproductive. Imagine if a friend you'd invited for a meal raved on and on about what a brilliant cook you were when all you did was put a ready meal in the microwave. You'd just think they were nuts, insincere or didn't know anything about cooking. Generalised phrases such as 'You are clever,' can be subtly undermining too as your child may think, 'She only thinks that because she's my Mum' or 'I'm not really that clever.'

Far better to use what psychologists call 'descriptive praise' which is akin to reflective listening. It involves describing the praiseworthy deed or act, describing how you felt and the quality it showed. This type of praise helps children learn to appreciate their own strengths and so builds self-esteem.

Praise your child's efforts at every opportunity.

Say your 15 year old has just won the school photography prize. Instead of just saying. 'Well done. You are clever,' try this:

Describe what your child did. For example, 'All that time you spent taking those photos really paid off.'
Describe how you felt. 'When I heard you'd won the photography prize I felt all warm inside. I was really proud of you.'
Describe the quality your child showed. 'It showed real talent and dedication.'

Using descriptive praise in situations that you find troublesome can have an almost magical effect on behaviour. For example, say you have difficulty getting your five year old to school on time, try the following: 'You've fastened your shoes. That's great. Now what do you have to do next? ... Put your coat on. That's right. You did well to fasten all the buttons up. I'm so pleased that we've managed to get out of the house in time to be at school for 9 o'clock.'

by **laflouf86** Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:31 am

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Re: Supernanny 's advices!!

by laflouf86 Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:31 am

Rules, boundaries and routines

Like a beautiful plant that grows rampant if left untamed, kids run wild if left to their own devices. They need rules to guide them, boundaries to give them a sense of safety and security (and also something to push against!) and routines to give daily life predictability so they can use their time and energy for more important things than food feuds or bedtime battles.

If the term ‘rules’ conjures up images of Victorian parents reigning with a rod of iron and expecting their children to be seen but not heard, think again. All families have rules even if they are unspoken. The trouble with unspoken rules is that they can lead to chaos, anger and confusion because kids don’t know where they stand. Far better to get them out in the open.

Springing a whole set of new rules without any warning can make kids feel insecure and lead to bad behaviour, however. To avoid this, warn them a few days before you intend to set new rules. Keep reminding them and when the time comes to implement the new regime write the rules down and pin them up somewhere where everyone can see. This approach is advocated in Supernanny. Even if your little ones can’t read yet, you can still display the rules and read them out to them.

Everything is more manageable if broken down so when asking your child to do a task break it down into distinct steps. An older child can have a written tick list to check off. Make sure that your child understands what they need to do by asking questions. For example, ‘So what are you going to do? That’s right, first you are going to pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the linen basket. And then what?’ And so on.

Psychologists have established that it takes 21 days to acquire new habits, so if your child doesn’t respond at first, be patient, and keep reminding your child of the rules and reward them for good behaviour until it becomes automatic.

by **laflouf86** Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:34 am

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Re: Supernanny 's advices!!

by laflouf86 Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:34 am

Communication counts

Families can be noisy places with lots of talking, shouting, yelling, crying and screaming. And that’s just the parents! But just because there’s a lot of noise, it doesn’t mean that there’s any real communication going on. In fact the opposite is often the case. Communication is the foundation of good parenting but it’s easy to forget that it is a two-way business.

Listen up

Good communication is all about listening. And that doesn’t just mean using your ears. Learning to pick up signals that your child is happy, sad, tired, stressed, upset, angry or afraid is just as important as hearing the words they say. You may think you listen to your kids, but do you really? All too often we deny children’s feelings, offer advice, distract or try to shut them up with phrases such as, ‘There’s no need to shout.‘ ‘Here, stop crying, have a biscuit.’ ‘You don’t really mean that. You’re only saying it because you’re angry.’

Such responses can make them even angrier, sadder, more afraid or upset, and undermine their confidence. This in turn can make them bottle up their feelings or express them in other ways, such as tantrums, sulking or rebellious behaviour.

Real listening means paying careful attention to what your kids are saying and showing them that you understand where they are coming from. The reward of what experts call ‘reflective listening’ is that your kids will feel listened to, accepted, understood and are more likely to open up, as it shows that you are on their side. It also helps them learn to deal with difficult feelings and in the long term, to communicate more effectively themselves right into adulthood.

Try reflective listening

If your child wants to tell you something, practise reflective listening using the following approach.

Stop what you’re doing.

Be it preparing the dinner, watching TV, making a ‘phone call or reading the paper, show them you are listening by looking at them. One of the recommendations of Supernanny is that when children are small you should get down to their level so you can look them in the eye. It may help to find somewhere quiet where you can talk away from interruptions or distractions. If this isn’t possible, tell your child a time when you will be available to give them your full attention. This shows them you value what they say.

Acknowledge it.

There’s no need for a long sentence, a simple but empathetic ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh,’ or ‘I see’. You don’t even have to say anything at all. Using body language such as a hug, a touch on the arm or a nod can be just as effective.

Reflect it.

Repeat what your child has said in your own words. This helps to show that you have heard, enables you to check that you have heard correctly and encourages your child to keep on talking.

Name it.

Show you child your have understood their feelings by naming the emotion that lies behind the words, such as: ‘I can see you’re really angry/sad/frightened/frustrated.’ This can be hard sometimes as your child may cry when he is angry or laugh when he is afraid. But don’t worry about making a mistake. If you’ve got it wrong, they will soon put you right.

This kind of listening may make you feel awkward when you first start doing it, but you’ll soon get into it when you see for yourself how well it really works.

by **laflouf86** Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:39 am

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Re: Supernanny 's advices!!

by laflouf86 Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:39 am

The basics

Kids – Who’d ‘ave ’em?

Becoming a parent is a life event more far-reaching in its impact than falling in love, moving in with a partner or getting married. In fact, once you have children – it’s true to say life is never the same again.
BC – before children – many of us are experts in childrearing. Whether it’s a baby who won’t sleep through the night, a toddler having a tantrum in a supermarket, a schoolchild who can’t make friends, or a stroppy teenager who refuses to do his homework, we have the answers. ‘That child’s spoilt’; ‘What he needs is a good telling off’; ‘It’s because her parents are too soft’; ‘What can they expect if they are so strict?’ we say. Once we are on the other side of the great divide, however, we realise that things are not that simple.

Being a parent calls for the patience and wisdom of a saint and the tactical skills and diplomacy of a world leader. It’s hardly surprising if we sometimes get it wrong. Yet parenting can also be the most fascinating, absorbing and uniquely rewarding job in the world. To be a parent is to experience a special kind of unconditional love that most of us are completely unaware of before having kids. But one thing it isn’t, is easy.

This guide is designed to help make things a bit easier by showing you how you can communicate with your children in such a way that you get more of the good bits and fewer of the bad. You’ll find hints and tips on how to help life run smoother whatever type of family you live in, whether your little darling is a babe in arms or about to fly the coop and whether it’s your first or your fifth.

The suggestions you find here won’t solve all your problems but hopefully they will deal with quite a few and get you thinking about the most effective ways to approach the inevitable ups and downs of family life.

Forget perfect

Rule number One. Forget perfect. There’s no such thing. ALL of us make mistakes. And few kids ever turn out exactly as their parents would have wished, which could be just as well. But like every job there are tricks of the trade that can make life easier once you know how and small changes can often make a big difference.

Your child is unique

Right from birth children are unique individuals with their own inborn temperament, likes, dislikes, skills and abilities all of which will affect their behaviour. Other factors like the size and the type of family (two parents living together, single parent, stepfamily or whatever), your child’s place in your family (birth order) and last, but by no means least, your personality and style of parenting, all come into it too. But while there’s nothing you can do to change what’s given – temperament, family size and type, birth order and so on – you can change the way you parent and in so doing alter the way your kids behave. The trick is to focus on what you can change or influence and forget about the rest. If that sounds like a tall order, worry not. There are some key principles which you can learn – mostly based on good communication. What you won’t find here is detailed information about different ages and stages. That’s first, because there are loads of books out there already. And second, because being dominated by ages or developmental milestones can stop you seeing your child as a unique individual.
At all ages showing love, enthusiasm and pride in your child is the most important thing you can do – all ways of building their self-confidence.

by **laflouf86** Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:40 am

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Re: Supernanny 's advices!!

by laflouf86 Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:40 am

Getting on with other people

No matter how clever or talented your child, in the long term their success and happiness will depend a lot on their ability to get on with others. Positive communication skills such as reflective listening and descriptive praise are crucial as they encourage them to think about how their behaviour affects others.

By helping your kids develop good communication skills you help them deal with different social situations. For example, if your little treasure snatches a toy off another child, instead of grabbing it back and yelling: 'You naughty boy. Give it back this second!' you might use positive communication to say something along the lines of:

'Rosie is crying.'
(Description of what is happening.)
'Why do you think Rosie is crying?'
(Getting them to think about the consequences of their action.)
'That's right, it's because you took her toy and now she's feeling upset.'
(Naming Rosie's feelings.)
'What could you do to stop Rosie crying?'
(Showing how your child could ease the situation.
'Yes, you could give it back and say you're sorry.'
(Feeding back how their action can make the situation better.)
If your child gives back the toy, you could use descriptive praise to reinforce the behaviour, 'Well done! I know you really wanted to play with Rosie's toy but you gave it back to her. That was a kind thing to do.'

Here's another example. Your teenager doesn't want to go on the school trip because she is nervous. You might use reflective listening to say: 'So you've got the opportunity to go to France with the school but you don't want to go because you feel anxious about being away from home/having to speak French.' This could lead into a discussion of strategies to help overcome anxiety – from talking to the teacher at school, to listening to a French tape together, to phoning you from France or relaxation techniques.

In social situations you can help provide the words to use, make sure that your child is communicating effectively, give feedback on how they did and help them develop strategies to resolve problems. In time you want your kids to develop the skills themselves.

Share and share alike

Many scuffles arise from sharing – or rather lack of it. It's no good just telling kids to share.

Little ones, especially, need to learn how. You can help your child by 'brainstorming' possible solutions to problems using positive communication skills.

For example, 'I know you feel frustrated because you want to play with the train set but Tom wants to play with it too. How do you think you could do that? Mmm. That's a good idea. You could take turns. What else could you do? Yes, good suggestion. Tom could play with the red train and you could play with the green train. Or you could find a way to play together with the toys.'

by **Admin** Fri Jun 29, 2007 7:20 pm

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Re: Supernanny 's advices!!

by Admin Fri Jun 29, 2007 7:20 pm

Thanks so much for the post Very Happy

by **Rahma Sboui Gueddah** Mon Jul 02, 2007 11:54 am

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